On an isolated Island, beneath a lush canopy of resurrection ferns and green palmettos, a grotesque Victorian society festers. Monetary wealth carries little weight. Lineage is currency, and nothing is of greater import than blood.
Orphans Haeden and Veanne have coal-black eyes, sun-bleached hair, and no knowledge of their true family name. The boy yearns to be a man of stature, to gain respect from the gentry who scorn him, in order to better protect his sister from harm or ill fortune. The girl longs for love, and for her brother to find happiness. And maybe for someone else to do the washing, just once.
When their adoptive father, and the Island’s only doctor, mysteriously dies, he leaves them adrift amidst a fatal illness threatening to further divide the decaying hierarchy. Martial law is declared, and containment measures put in place. Vinegar baths are encouraged.
The unexpected return of the doctor’s striking son, vanished from the Island for over a decade, presents a double-edge sword as sharp as the one buckled at his waist. Even as he offers protection, and romances Veanne, he harbors devastating secrets.
With few resources beyond their cunning, and no claim to the only home they have ever known, Haeden and Veanne follow the trail of their bloodline, searching for knowledge forbidden by the man they called father. Escaping pirates, plagues, and murder, they finally unearth not only their own dark history, but the Island’s shadowy origin.
In the end, they will have to choose: hold fast to the values with which they were raised, or embrace a legacy of untold cruelty and limitless power.
THE GATHERING DUSK is a dark fantasy novel complete at 83,600 words, divided between three points of view: the children, their champion, and the evil seeking to consume them all.
This is my first novel. [redacted].
Thank you for your time and consideration.
_____
Lydia's Comments
Dear ,
On an isolated Island, {Why is island capitalized?} beneath a lush canopy of resurrection ferns and green palmettos, a grotesque Victorian society festers. {Is this actually set in the Victorian era, or...?} Monetary wealth carries little weight. Lineage is currency, and nothing is of greater import than blood.
Orphans Haeden and Veanne have
{combine the below paragraph with what is left of the above paragraph after the cut}
When their adoptive father, and the Island’s only doctor, mysteriously dies, he leaves them adrift amidst a fatal illness threatening to further divide the decaying hierarchy. Martial law is declared, and containment measures put in place.
The unexpected return of the doctor’s
With few resources beyond their cunning, and no claim to the only home they have ever known, Haeden and Veanne follow the trail of their bloodline, searching for knowledge forbidden by the man they called father. Escaping pirates, plagues, and murder, they finally unearth not only their own dark history, but the Island’s shadowy origin.
THE GATHERING DUSK is a dark fantasy novel complete at 83,600 words
This is my first novel. [redacted].
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Love the mystery element of this story, and the setting. In addition to what I noted above, I'd suggest that you clarify the conflict. I'm not sure if the main issue is that the orphans discover their true heritage and the island's beginnings (and what is the reasoning for that? if they reach this goal, then what? I'm not sure how it will affect anything), or if the main issue is that they need to find a cure for the illness plaguing their society.
Thank you for participating in Friday Query Critique, and good luck with this!
_____Does anyone else have any suggestions for our brave writer-friend?
~Lydia
*You have a great play on words here. You can cut out overuse and words on scenery - just stick with plot.
ReplyDeleteOn an isolated Island, beneath a lush canopy of resurrection ferns and green palmettos, a grotesque Victorian society festers. Monetary wealth carries little weight. Lineage is currency, and nothing is of greater import than blood. (I'd like to be introduced to the characters here - Also, there's no hook, or gotcha that tells their problem)
Orphans Haeden and Veanne have coal-black eyes, sun-bleached hair, and no knowledge of their true family name. The boy yearns to be a man of stature, to gain respect from the gentry who scorn him, in order to better protect his sister from harm or ill fortune. The girl longs for love, and for her brother to find happiness. And maybe for someone else to do the washing, just once. (Take out descriptions in query it slows down pace, lots of 'telling in there about emotions - stick with the plot) Something like this for first paragraph: Haeden and Veanne, fifteen-year-old tweens live in paradise, but home isn't safe anymore once the Island's only doctor mysteriously dies. (end of 1st paragraph)
When their adoptive father, and the Island’s only doctor, mysteriously dies, he leaves them adrift amidst a fatal illness threatening to further divide the decaying hierarchy. Martial law is declared, and containment measures put in place. Vinegar baths are encouraged. (this should be 2nd paragraph)
The unexpected return of the doctor’s striking son, vanished from the Island for over a decade, presents a double-edge sword as sharp as the one buckled at his waist. Even as he offers protection, and romances Veanne, he harbors devastating secrets.
With few resources beyond their cunning, and no claim to the only home they have ever known, Haeden and Veanne follow the trail of their bloodline, searching for knowledge forbidden by the man they called father. Escaping pirates, plagues, and murder, they finally unearth not only their own dark history, but the Island’s shadowy origin.
In the end, they will have to choose: hold fast to the values with which they were raised, or embrace a legacy of untold cruelty and limitless power.
THE GATHERING DUSK is a dark fantasy novel complete at 83,600 words, divided between three points of view: the children, their champion, and the evil seeking to consume them all.
This is my first novel. [redacted].
I'm here to get an idea of what I should write when it's my turn to try my luck with a publisher. I like it, but I do agree with your annotations, Lydia. I probably wouldn't have picked up on quite all of the things you did though, I'll need to pay more attention here to practice.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lydia's comments and also think that the scenery stuff should be cut. Start the query with a paragraph about the twins because they're the main protagonists. Then introduce the clear conflict.
ReplyDeleteI do love the mystery element and already want to read the book. The grotesque Victorian setting sounds intriguing too, as well as the dark fantasy. I was thinking of Gormengast as I read the query.
Jai
As someone who can say a hearty thanks to Lydia for her hard work in helping her fellow writers "communicate" their ideas in the confines of a query ... all I can say is that you have the basics for something good here. You can use some of the longer descriptions for your synopsis. I am so bad at these, but we come here to learn. Good luck. In the end when you rework this, your book will sound more compelling, which I sense it is indeed :)
ReplyDeleteWow. I love everything about this query. It's original, structured, logical, elegantly written...what else can I think of?! If I were an agent I'd be falling over myself to get a partial, but I'm not...uh...sorry. Congrats brave writer.
ReplyDeleteCongrats to Brave Writer, who has a very intriguing query here.
ReplyDeleteI'm new to this blog, and think I have a lot to learn from this feature. Can't wait to stop back in and read more.